I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i need some magic done to my vagina
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
