I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
