im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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