her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
