I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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