I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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