I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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