Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
