I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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