People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
