cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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