Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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