If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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