i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
