Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
