just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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