a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its about making memories worth repressing
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
