Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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