My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize