we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Randomize
