I wish you could order shots online.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
