please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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