Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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