I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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