I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize