and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
