I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
