Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
