We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
