I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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