Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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