I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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