I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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