The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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