I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
