Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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