I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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