Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
