I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
