I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
