I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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