Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
