If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Watching her eat just hurts me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
