I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
