Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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