Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
