Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
