I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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