what day is it and did you see me today?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
