Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
