I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
