I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
