I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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