my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
