I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
