Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
